On March 20nd, Cock Ring played a battle of the bands in hopes of getting a slot at Loving Life music festival. It would have been a huge opportunity for us. The day before, I grieved for no reason. I felt the way I felt on election day, but I didn’t know why.

As soon as we arrived at the venue, it became obvious. A woman nodded at Ty. I didn’t know what she really meant but it didn’t matter, because I had ignored so many signs. I did so because that’s how we are all conditioned to behave. As the night progressed it became clear that the whole event was staged. If I listen to my ego, it felt like an audition. For me. A fake corporate battle of the bands for a fake corporate music festival. Cool.

On March 22nd, I quit with a social media post. Because I don’t owe three random guys from craigslist jack shit. Especially when two of them are manipulative narcissists who treat me like shit. I spent years dragging them by their collars into creative work that was finally fulfilling to me and it was no longer worth the effort.

I said from day one, “Everyone in this band has what it takes to be famous”. Because they did. I know they all have the potential to heal. Healing is what is required to make truly great art. You cannot express a self you do not know.

avulsion and tomi

Council Ring was not a very good band until a few months before we lost Ian. While I was sad he left, I’m proud of him for it. But I miss those days, because Ian was a great dude. He just needed time in the oven. And we would have gotten there faster had we not been masking, due to the abusive behavior.

It worked though. I said from the beginning, everyone in the band had “it” somewhere in them. That remains true. What is it? It’s it. What is it? A connection to God. Source. Universe. I like Gaia personally.

When Tomi joined us, I had my first spiritual psychosis. Because we were ready. There were 3 or more of us. The sound was there, the vibe was there, the dream was right in front of us. Immediately following his arrival, though, my sister was beaten and raped almost to death, to immediately followed by my dad’s suicide. Luckily, we had a wildly overbooked schedule to keep me from burdens like grieving. See my mental illness timeline at the end of the page for more on that.

Tomi is an spiritual sleeper agent. By simply encouraging normal behavior, it became much more obvious to me that something was wrong. Why didn’t I hang out with the band more before then? It was a subconscious decision for me, because while my mind didn’t see it, my body felt it. I was grey-rocking them. I recognized how his and Chris’s closer relationship to Tomi changed the dynamic of the group. Tomi and Quint are great guys, but if you have two Nazis in a five piece band, it’s a Nazi band. You are who you associate with. So I hope he makes the right decision going forward.

Chris Jan

Chris was my main frustration day-to-day. He always seemed to think that, me, Ty and Quint were mean to him. We were by the end. We expected him to do basic things, like set his amp up and be ready to sound check on time. Without needing his hand held. Or have his own equipment. He never really seemed to care about the act of making music at all. He was a performer, not an artist. A fake, not a real. He wanted the attention of being a rock star without putting in any of the effort. I thought he acted like a spoiled rich kid, which isn’t malicious and can easily be grown out of, but it’s harder when you have pretty privilege, too. But I didn’t care. I was living my dream and I thought I could fix him. Help make him an actual star. So I ignored the way he spoke about women. About his own girlfriend. The wild fear of trans women. Just standard 14 year old boy behavior, really. And when you try to talk to him about it, he weasels around the issue. If you call him out directly, he runs away and pretends it never happened. He would do things like borrow my vape every 30 minutes to maintain a sense of control over me. Covert Narcissism. It gave weaponized incompetence.

I just wanted basic things. Show up on time. Why? Because when we all get in there around the same time and start playing, the drama fades away and everything goes a whole lot smoother. But when I finally asked him to not use my vape every thirty minutes, he crashed out like a toddler because he realized he no longer had any control. Something so small.

And it was all because of his own laziness.

Simple Gaslighting. Why don’t you trust me? I try harder to earn it.

Ty Mattox

Ty is a very different animal. Overt as opposed to Chris’s covert behavior. Ty is very open about how he manipulates people in the right rooms. I should have clocked that a long time ago. His behavior is downright sociopathic at times. But me him and Quint were the band, and I was blinded by my own self interest. And honestly, Ty behaves in a far more empathetic manner than Chris. Maybe it was manipulation, who knows. But it’s harder to spot.

I quit because of Ty (and politics) I’ve been told by many people that he struggles with drugs. And that he makes his wife miserable, no specifics. I tried to talk to him about it months ago, and made no progress. That is a disaster that I’m not going to attach myself to. I was simply ready to leave.

I don’t have any idea where that talk about marriage came from. Somebody might be telling on himself here.

But his behavior since I’ve left has been seriously alarming. Trying to convince my neighbors I was suicidal and leaving envelopes of pills at my doorstep is the kind of thing abusive men do when women reject them. Make them appear crazy so they don’t have to accept their own share of accountability. He also was the least respectful of my boundaries/request for space by far. This is far more worrying than the rest of the band. That’s just not the type of person I want to be around in any situation. I can’t believe I was so easily deceived.

Since my dad passed, and I’ve been much more open about my trauma, He and Chris had been using the same abusive tactics my parents used to try and maintain control of the me and the band. It’s absolutely insane, Narcissistic people tend to think we don’t notice, when in reality it’s just that we don’t want the drama.

What about Quint?

Losing Quint actually hurts. I still like to think he was growing and changing with me. But I also think he was working with the others to break me towards the end. He also was the person with my house key. At least I know he treated his fiancé well. His fiancé, who, gave the whole game away by telling me they were digging through my reddit account and calling my ex’s behind my back. Not in like, an apology kind of way, either. Weird.

Regardless, if you have two Nazis in your band, you are a Nazi band. And me personally I don’t want to grow up to be Ted fucking Nugent. I told them all after the election that I wouldn’t be associated with that trash, full stop, and they thought I was bluffing. They were all too afraid to even talk about it. They just pretended it didn’t happen. Classic. But when I quit? “I just wish we’d have talk about it”

Fuck around and find out, assholes. This is why republicans won’t talk about politics.

They always have something to hide. Every single time.

I thought they wanted to see me crash out and quit. My mom probably would like to have seen me killed. Would have looked just like some loser crashed out and killed himself, just like his daddy and his daddy’s daddy. Not a terrible plan. Why? Because of whatever inheritance she probably stole from me. Maybe they were working together. Wouldn’t that be crazy? How do I know? Maybe I was actually MKUltra. Who knows? It’s all just faith anyways. I’m better at faith, too.

I left the bands infrastructure to Quint. Hopefully, he fires the assholes and makes something worthwhile out of the name.

What about Matt?

Obviously I made mistakes. I’ve (arguably) been too mean. I probably should have talked to Tomi and Quint first. But I’m not under any obligation to do so. I’m not under any obligation to keep my mouth shut. People could have been at risk, and I was treated like garbage. Hell, I didn’t even talk that much shit. I didn’t really talk much about what I’m pretty sure they did.

Over the past few weeks I’ve seriously struggled with derealization. Losing trust in every single person around me. Again. Thinking new people are other people from my past. I’ve scared a lot of people. I’ve been harder on people than necessary. Taken my anger out on people that don’t deserve it. Reactive abuse left and right. I’m sorry.

The truth is I subconsciously used them. As a practice band. That was shitty, and it’s not to say I didn’t love every second of it, but in the back of my mind I knew I wouldn’t be there forever. And I knew for sure I’d quit after election day.

BUT WHERE IS THE EVIDENCE??

So, where Chris and Ty doing anything wrong? Was there any criminal behavior? Fuck if I know. Why didn’t I dig harder before quitting so publicly?

Because why would I? I’m not the fucking Punisher. I thought what I did would give them enough rope to hang themselves. I didn’t know how to safely talk to Mori and Olivia, and I was worried. I do wish I did more. But I was scared to put them at any more risk. Because talking to their wives makes them freak out. I should have noticed that too. It’s also possible that I was the only one being treated like shit.

I am not obligated to fix your dogshit men for you. And nobody is required to be in a damn band. I did this same thing to my actual family last year ON THE SAME DAY. What else would anyone expect?

I am not here to be your savior. I’m here to save rock and roll. And none of them made any effort to get me to stay?? Chris just cussed me out. Like are you serious?? Probably because they wanted to get famous off my suicide. Which is a plan that only makes sense if you don’t actually know me in real life. Hi mom!

Chris constantly talked about that situation. For years every time I’ve done nitrous with them, I have Deja vu and remember him telling that story, even though I don’t remember the band. But, ya know, no evidence so whatever. Again, its irrelevant.

I thought Council Ring was gonna be rock and roll reincarnate, but fuck y’all. It’ll be me and anyone else actually wants to do it. And is willing to trust me. At least when I go through this much trouble to convince you.

Chris and Ty thought I was more attached to them then I was my actual family. Than myself. Category 5 narcissism. And they made me feel bad.

That is always enough. I deserve to succeed. We all do. I know some fucked up shit was going on. I don’t know what. Doesn’t matter.

I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end, it doesn’t even matter. I don’t want to hang out with shitheads.

I did make some cool timelines down below, though!

but wait, there is probably more

The boys are definitely just pawns. What the fuck did my mother have to do with this? That’s what I want to know.

What do you think?

I’d love to hear the story from another perspective. Because I still don’t know who’s the real problem.

Feel like you’ve been misrepresented? Slandered? Put up or shut up.

Check out the forums. For the youths: Back when the internet was fun we had a bunch of small indie forums that were actually like communities. You can post anonymously.